Hope Endureth All Things

A turn of events has happened lately in our family that reminds me of where I was about 11 years ago. I was at a crossroads staring my future in the face. Questions plaged me and they had to be answered sooner, rather than later. Many things in life you can put off and deal with later, but addiction is not one of those things. I remember not wanting to get better. I liked the high that the addiction gave me. I liked the feeling of being in contol of something that was all mine. I like the sedated feeling the medication gave me. I look back now and think, wow I must have been so much fun to be around.
I recall my 21st birthday was spent in my bedroom by myself. My best friends came over and said hi but I didn't want to do anything. I know I was never my disorder but I let it run my life. It took over. It was my crutch, my excuse. It was my escape when things got rough. I never was strong enough to stand up and face my feelings and really feel them. It scared me to know that by going into The Center I would have to let go of everything I knew. What if I couldn't handle it? What if I didn't like what I felt? What if I couldn't learn a new way to deal with life? What if I screwed up when I came back out and relapsed? Anything was possible. Looking back now I wish I would have had more faith in my parents, my doctors, my team at The Center. I doubted so much I think it made my progress slow at first. I am not going to lie and say everything went perfect when I came out. It was scary. In there I felt like I could do anything. Then you get out and you don't have your entire cheerleading team behind you all the time. You have to learn to be your own cheerleader. That was hard. I relapsed a couple times. The tendensies still cross my mind every now and again. I have learned now, my life is not my own. People rely on me. People love me. People need me - especially my little kiddos. I fight to own my life and control my life every single day. It's a fight - it's worth it. I have found peace in music, friends, family, in my animals, in my bike, in sewing and diet coke. The point is I have found peace and I know it's possible. I look at where I was and where I am now and I am so thankful. Thankful for trials and tribulations. Thankful for the strength they have given me and the fact they have led me where I am today.